Nothing kills you like your mind

Shit ! It’s almost 2 in the morning and I’m not even asleep yet. I am tired as hell, but this mind, THIS FUCKING MIND, isn’t shutting down.

Sad ?

Hell, if I know. I even don’t know what the hell is going on with me. I am just tired. These fucking long WINTER nights, really messing with me. It’s like my mind is on the loop.

“What the fuck is wrong with me”

Google, books and those shitty articles, how they describe the negative and positive thoughts. WHAT THE FUCK IS EVEN WRONG WITH THEM ???

I mean how the hell I am supposed to know and accept what my mind is repeating is negative and all, I mean I don’t feel the difference, HELL, I am used to all of this now. It’s like feeling low and sad all the time has became my habit. Outta nowhere,  within few seconds from the CHEERFUL ME to the FUCKED UP ME I transition pretty damn well.

I think my mind has its own FAVORITE PLAYLIST. It automatically, keeps on reminding me how shitty and fucked up I am. How ugly I am. No, No, It still doesn’t stop. It also keep on reminding my flaws and mistakes too. And yet, it is still not stopping, reminding me kindly that how bad I am at dealing with friendships and how shitty I am to take initiatives. FUCK. I’m used to being left out and cancelled on. I’m used to being ignored. Damn it..

When our own mind keeps on pointing at our insecurities it becomes really hard. It all become even more hard when those indifferent eyes and those hurting (supposed to be mocking) words hits you like a nail, that’s when my friend you feel like you are slipping away. You are slowly falling into an abyss, where no one will even care to give you a hand and you just lie there like a dumb. AND HELL, I even don’t want any sympathy or something. It’s just I want to let this out before this mind fucking anxiety fucks me up.

 

Why when the night comes and I’m all alone again ?

-Decaf Anxiety